Living with Your Whole Heart
"It takes courage, but it's the secret to feeling loved"
(Excerpted from article in February 2013 Prevention magazine written by Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW, a researcher at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work and the author of the New York Times best seller, Daring Greatly.)
The men and women [in her research] who described feeling lovable, who loved, and who experienced belonging simply believed that they were worthy of love and belonging. They didn't have better or easier lives, they didn't have fewer struggles with addiction or depression, and they hadn't survived fewer traumas or bankruptcies or divorces. Instead, in the midst of all these struggles, they had developed practices that enabled them to hold on to the belief that they were worthy of love, belonging, and even joy.
Worthiness is cultivated through a collection of daily choices - tough choices that require us to acknowledge and stare down those shame gremlins that are so ready to whisper, You're not good enough or Who do you think you are? {Brene calls] it wholehearted living because these people were living and loving with their whole hearts - they were all in.
[Brene] defines "wholehearted living' as engaging in life from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It's going to bed at night thinking Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am brave and worthy of love and belonging.
One concept that participants talked about as a critical component of wholeheartedness was self-compassion. [Brene] confesses that [she] did an internal eye-roll the first time [she] heard that term in an interview. What does "self-compassion" even mean?
Now [Brene] gets it. When [she] makes a mistake or find's [herself] in that What was I thinking? shame storm, [she] talks to [herself] like [she'd] talk to someone [she] loved. That meant giving up I'm such an idiot! and trying It's OK. You're human. We make mistakes. Sometimes it still feels strange, but self-compassion is so important. Why would we talk to ourselves in a way in which we'd never consider talking to someone we care about and respect?
Wholehearted men and women also choose rest and play over the cultural messages that exhaustion is a status symbol and our self-worth is measured by productivity. These [research] participants talked about slowing down, scheduling, and protecting white space on their calendars and having agenda-free fun. They talked about rest and play as nonnegotiable for their physical as well as emotional well-being.
Before this research, [Brene] had convinced [herself] that every second of white space in [her] life--every tiny sliver of downtime--should be utilized. . .It takes courage to look at why we're so crazy busy. Yes, there's a lot to do, but it's more than that. The hard answer--the courageous answer--is that most of us may stay really busy so the truth of our lives doesn't catch up with us. We're tired. We feel scared and uncertain. And we worry that slowing down will reveal white space that is unfamiliar to us, when, in fact, it's from that very place that we get to own the love and joy in our lives.
Living wholeheartedly takes courage. It means beginning that long walk from What will people think? to I am enough. This walk takes a special kind of daring--the courage that's about showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and living and loving with our own hearts.
(Excerpted from article in February 2013 Prevention magazine written by Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW, a researcher at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work and the author of the New York Times best seller, Daring Greatly.)
The men and women [in her research] who described feeling lovable, who loved, and who experienced belonging simply believed that they were worthy of love and belonging. They didn't have better or easier lives, they didn't have fewer struggles with addiction or depression, and they hadn't survived fewer traumas or bankruptcies or divorces. Instead, in the midst of all these struggles, they had developed practices that enabled them to hold on to the belief that they were worthy of love, belonging, and even joy.
Worthiness is cultivated through a collection of daily choices - tough choices that require us to acknowledge and stare down those shame gremlins that are so ready to whisper, You're not good enough or Who do you think you are? {Brene calls] it wholehearted living because these people were living and loving with their whole hearts - they were all in.
[Brene] defines "wholehearted living' as engaging in life from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It's going to bed at night thinking Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am brave and worthy of love and belonging.
One concept that participants talked about as a critical component of wholeheartedness was self-compassion. [Brene] confesses that [she] did an internal eye-roll the first time [she] heard that term in an interview. What does "self-compassion" even mean?
Now [Brene] gets it. When [she] makes a mistake or find's [herself] in that What was I thinking? shame storm, [she] talks to [herself] like [she'd] talk to someone [she] loved. That meant giving up I'm such an idiot! and trying It's OK. You're human. We make mistakes. Sometimes it still feels strange, but self-compassion is so important. Why would we talk to ourselves in a way in which we'd never consider talking to someone we care about and respect?
Wholehearted men and women also choose rest and play over the cultural messages that exhaustion is a status symbol and our self-worth is measured by productivity. These [research] participants talked about slowing down, scheduling, and protecting white space on their calendars and having agenda-free fun. They talked about rest and play as nonnegotiable for their physical as well as emotional well-being.
Before this research, [Brene] had convinced [herself] that every second of white space in [her] life--every tiny sliver of downtime--should be utilized. . .It takes courage to look at why we're so crazy busy. Yes, there's a lot to do, but it's more than that. The hard answer--the courageous answer--is that most of us may stay really busy so the truth of our lives doesn't catch up with us. We're tired. We feel scared and uncertain. And we worry that slowing down will reveal white space that is unfamiliar to us, when, in fact, it's from that very place that we get to own the love and joy in our lives.
Living wholeheartedly takes courage. It means beginning that long walk from What will people think? to I am enough. This walk takes a special kind of daring--the courage that's about showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and living and loving with our own hearts.
