Ten Things that have Made ALL the Difference
On our anniversary Mr. Loerke and I spent time reflecting on the past 5 years. As a result we came up with a list of 10 Things That Have Made All The Difference in our marriage. Please feel free to make these your own, as well as share any wisdom and insight you may have in the comment section below. After all, we need all the help we can get!
1. Weekly Questions: For the past five years Tim and I have been asking each other the same five questions every Sunday night. These questions have made the biggest difference in how we love and serve one another throughout the week. If you're going to incorporate one of these 10 things into your marriage, we hope it's this one.
1. How did you feel loved this past week?
2. What does your upcoming week look like?
3. How would you feel most loved & encouraged in the days ahead?
4. How would you best feel pursued in sex / intimacy this week?
5. How can I pray for you this week?
2.A Small Metal Box: After reading this story, Tim and I made a pact that each time we made love we would put a dollar in a special metal box and save it for our 50th anniversary trip to Hawaii. This has surprisingly been a great way for us to creatively pursue intimacy with one another over the years. Our only advice would be to not count the money in your box. Focus on quality, not quantity.
3.Traveling Journal: There is a journal we share that's filled with words that would make you blush. We take turns writing in it, always hiding it for the other to find in an unexpected place. It's been found duct taped to our shower, in suitcases when traveling, even in the refrigerator behind the Cool Whip. (Pretty sure Husband was trying to tell me something). Overall, this has been a great way for us to verbally affirm and encourage one another.
4.We (try and) Conflict Well: Conflict is inevitable in relationships, but we believe it exists to make us better, not bitter. We try and keep short accounts with one other by sharing our disappointments and hurt feelings. This isn't always easy but it's necessary in maintaining marital oneness. From experience we know there's nothing more damaging to our relationship than harbored bitterness.
5.We Play Together: Husband and I have chosen to be active together. Whether it's tossing the Frisbee, flying our kite, going on walks, participating in adventure races, reading bedtime stories, or building forts in our living room, playing together has helped us find our inner child. It has also reminded me that being active together can be romantic. After all, deep down I know Husband wants me to be his sidekick when it comes to doing "guy things" with him. Realizing this has been critical in helping us stay connected both physically and emotionally.
6. We Pray Together: One of our favorite ways to end the day is by praying together. We pray for our friends, family, and for wisdom in our marriage. Though our prayers are usually not longer than a couple of minutes they have made a huge difference in helping us stay spiritually connected, as well as make us more aware of each others fears and insecurities.
7. We Celebrate Each Other: Husband and I love to make a big deal out of anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and even smaller personal accomplishments. We are each other's biggest fans, and finding a thoughtful gift or preparing a special meal can make the biggest difference in helping us feel known, loved, and celebrated.
8. We Don't Do Marriage Alone: Our trusted friends have been incredibly helpful in showing us how to work through some of the bigger issues in our marriage. It wasn't always easy to share these struggles because of our pride and embarrassment, but soon we realized that most couples were struggling with the same things we were. We've learned that isolating only hinders us from truly dealing with our hurts, habits, and hang-ups.
9. The Greatest Gift (Self Work): We realized early on in our marriage that the greatest gift we could give each other was to know ourselves. This meant working through our family of origin junk. We all have it, but so few actually sort through it; Celebrate Recovery helped show us how. It was here that we first learned to attack our problems together, instead of attacking each other about our problems.
10. We Study One Another: Someone once told us that no matter how long you've dated your spouse, the day you get married you're essentially committing your life to a total stranger. This was great advice considering how quickly people change. To say I know Tim fully after 5 yrs of marriage would be a lie. There's so much about him that I don't know about simply because I do not ask. That is why we like to interview each other regularly. It's amazing the things you can learn about your spouse when you take the time to ask both fun and creative questions.
1)What are you normally doing on Monday's at 6am? It depends on my rotation schedule. Last month I was rolling out of bed to turn off my alarm. This month I'm making coffee in the French press and reading.
2) What's your favorite beer? Lately, Left Hand Milk Stout but I also secretly love Guinness with a shot of espresso.
3) What skill do you hope to one day master? I'd like to be America's next Master Chef. Not really, but I would like to learn how to be a better cook. Specifically, I'd like to learn the skill of chopping onions like a ninja.
4) If you had a free round trip ticket in the U.S. where would you go and what would you do? I would fly to Oregon and go rafting and fly fishing with my buddy, Brett. I'd also help him finish building the retaining wall in his backyard.
5) What are three things that give you life? The medical field, spending time with you, and being places where all I hear is the wind and rushing water.
6) What makes you cry? Injustice, those suffering loss, and watching people accomplish their dreams.
7) What is one adventure you'd like us to experience before we die? Climb Kilimanjaro.
8) If you could be friends with anyone famous who would it be? It would have to be Tony Romo. I know, I know ... people think he's become too "Hollywood" but I think he's still a true dude at heart.
9) What is the best book you've read this year? The best book I'm "in the process of reading" is Life of Pi by Yann Martel. I'm sad to say that I have only finished one book this year, primarily due to the time I spend learning and reading about medical things.
10) What's your LEAST favorite chore? Dusting. Enough said.
BONUS QUESTION: What are your favorite pair of kicks? My bleach-stained house shoes.
1)What's been your favorite thing about blogging? The friends it's allowed me to make and the conversations I've had. I also love that more people are doing fist pumps & leg kicks. (Check out this month's issue of Bon Appetit, pg 84).
2) What keeps you up at night? Creative ideas and the sprinklers. Sometimes your snoring, but mostly the sprinklers.
3) If you could have one superhero power what would it be? I'd like to be able to speak every language ... does that count as a superhero power?
4) If you could take a trip around the world in 80 days what would be your preferred mode of transportation? A Vespa with a sidecar. Final answer.
5) What was your favorite TV show as a kid? Fraggle Rock even though the Trash Heap terrified me.
6). If someone paid you 1,000 dollars to ride a roller coaster would you do it? No. I've never been on a roller coaster and have no desire to get on one. I'm scared of heights, even more than I am of eating meatwad.
7) If you could give your readers one piece of advice what would it be? I'd tell them not to get discouraged. There are a ton of GREAT marriages that look nothing like ours. Be yourself and work hard at studying your spouse or significant other. And don't forget to make time for the things and people you love.
8) What about being a parent are you most looking forward to? (Besides watching you be a dad), teaching our kids how to fish, skip rocks, and make Woobie capes.
9) What is your favorite article of clothing? My Patagonia R2 fleece. It feels like Grover.
10) Where would you want to go if we went on a Backroads cycling trip? Tuscany, Italy or the North Island of New Zealand.
BONUS QUESTION: What would be the "hero" of your ideal backyard? An organic garden with a studio for writing and taking naps.
10b. Dude Time / Girl Time: Sometimes one of the best things we can do for our marriage is to spend time apart. It blesses me when Tim is able to take a trip with his guys because I know they meet certain needs that I can't. Similarly, Tim understands that spending a weekend with my girls is critical to my overall mental health and well being. Don't get me wrong, you guys know how madly in love I am with Mr. Loerke, but sometimes all a girl needs is an uninterrupted weekend with her besties. Guys are no different.
1. Weekly Questions: For the past five years Tim and I have been asking each other the same five questions every Sunday night. These questions have made the biggest difference in how we love and serve one another throughout the week. If you're going to incorporate one of these 10 things into your marriage, we hope it's this one.
1. How did you feel loved this past week?
2. What does your upcoming week look like?
3. How would you feel most loved & encouraged in the days ahead?
4. How would you best feel pursued in sex / intimacy this week?
5. How can I pray for you this week?
2.A Small Metal Box: After reading this story, Tim and I made a pact that each time we made love we would put a dollar in a special metal box and save it for our 50th anniversary trip to Hawaii. This has surprisingly been a great way for us to creatively pursue intimacy with one another over the years. Our only advice would be to not count the money in your box. Focus on quality, not quantity.
3.Traveling Journal: There is a journal we share that's filled with words that would make you blush. We take turns writing in it, always hiding it for the other to find in an unexpected place. It's been found duct taped to our shower, in suitcases when traveling, even in the refrigerator behind the Cool Whip. (Pretty sure Husband was trying to tell me something). Overall, this has been a great way for us to verbally affirm and encourage one another.
4.We (try and) Conflict Well: Conflict is inevitable in relationships, but we believe it exists to make us better, not bitter. We try and keep short accounts with one other by sharing our disappointments and hurt feelings. This isn't always easy but it's necessary in maintaining marital oneness. From experience we know there's nothing more damaging to our relationship than harbored bitterness.
5.We Play Together: Husband and I have chosen to be active together. Whether it's tossing the Frisbee, flying our kite, going on walks, participating in adventure races, reading bedtime stories, or building forts in our living room, playing together has helped us find our inner child. It has also reminded me that being active together can be romantic. After all, deep down I know Husband wants me to be his sidekick when it comes to doing "guy things" with him. Realizing this has been critical in helping us stay connected both physically and emotionally.
6. We Pray Together: One of our favorite ways to end the day is by praying together. We pray for our friends, family, and for wisdom in our marriage. Though our prayers are usually not longer than a couple of minutes they have made a huge difference in helping us stay spiritually connected, as well as make us more aware of each others fears and insecurities.
7. We Celebrate Each Other: Husband and I love to make a big deal out of anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and even smaller personal accomplishments. We are each other's biggest fans, and finding a thoughtful gift or preparing a special meal can make the biggest difference in helping us feel known, loved, and celebrated.
8. We Don't Do Marriage Alone: Our trusted friends have been incredibly helpful in showing us how to work through some of the bigger issues in our marriage. It wasn't always easy to share these struggles because of our pride and embarrassment, but soon we realized that most couples were struggling with the same things we were. We've learned that isolating only hinders us from truly dealing with our hurts, habits, and hang-ups.
9. The Greatest Gift (Self Work): We realized early on in our marriage that the greatest gift we could give each other was to know ourselves. This meant working through our family of origin junk. We all have it, but so few actually sort through it; Celebrate Recovery helped show us how. It was here that we first learned to attack our problems together, instead of attacking each other about our problems.
10. We Study One Another: Someone once told us that no matter how long you've dated your spouse, the day you get married you're essentially committing your life to a total stranger. This was great advice considering how quickly people change. To say I know Tim fully after 5 yrs of marriage would be a lie. There's so much about him that I don't know about simply because I do not ask. That is why we like to interview each other regularly. It's amazing the things you can learn about your spouse when you take the time to ask both fun and creative questions.
1)What are you normally doing on Monday's at 6am? It depends on my rotation schedule. Last month I was rolling out of bed to turn off my alarm. This month I'm making coffee in the French press and reading.
2) What's your favorite beer? Lately, Left Hand Milk Stout but I also secretly love Guinness with a shot of espresso.
3) What skill do you hope to one day master? I'd like to be America's next Master Chef. Not really, but I would like to learn how to be a better cook. Specifically, I'd like to learn the skill of chopping onions like a ninja.
4) If you had a free round trip ticket in the U.S. where would you go and what would you do? I would fly to Oregon and go rafting and fly fishing with my buddy, Brett. I'd also help him finish building the retaining wall in his backyard.
5) What are three things that give you life? The medical field, spending time with you, and being places where all I hear is the wind and rushing water.
6) What makes you cry? Injustice, those suffering loss, and watching people accomplish their dreams.
7) What is one adventure you'd like us to experience before we die? Climb Kilimanjaro.
8) If you could be friends with anyone famous who would it be? It would have to be Tony Romo. I know, I know ... people think he's become too "Hollywood" but I think he's still a true dude at heart.
9) What is the best book you've read this year? The best book I'm "in the process of reading" is Life of Pi by Yann Martel. I'm sad to say that I have only finished one book this year, primarily due to the time I spend learning and reading about medical things.
10) What's your LEAST favorite chore? Dusting. Enough said.
BONUS QUESTION: What are your favorite pair of kicks? My bleach-stained house shoes.
1)What's been your favorite thing about blogging? The friends it's allowed me to make and the conversations I've had. I also love that more people are doing fist pumps & leg kicks. (Check out this month's issue of Bon Appetit, pg 84).
2) What keeps you up at night? Creative ideas and the sprinklers. Sometimes your snoring, but mostly the sprinklers.
3) If you could have one superhero power what would it be? I'd like to be able to speak every language ... does that count as a superhero power?
4) If you could take a trip around the world in 80 days what would be your preferred mode of transportation? A Vespa with a sidecar. Final answer.
5) What was your favorite TV show as a kid? Fraggle Rock even though the Trash Heap terrified me.
6). If someone paid you 1,000 dollars to ride a roller coaster would you do it? No. I've never been on a roller coaster and have no desire to get on one. I'm scared of heights, even more than I am of eating meatwad.
7) If you could give your readers one piece of advice what would it be? I'd tell them not to get discouraged. There are a ton of GREAT marriages that look nothing like ours. Be yourself and work hard at studying your spouse or significant other. And don't forget to make time for the things and people you love.
8) What about being a parent are you most looking forward to? (Besides watching you be a dad), teaching our kids how to fish, skip rocks, and make Woobie capes.
9) What is your favorite article of clothing? My Patagonia R2 fleece. It feels like Grover.
10) Where would you want to go if we went on a Backroads cycling trip? Tuscany, Italy or the North Island of New Zealand.
BONUS QUESTION: What would be the "hero" of your ideal backyard? An organic garden with a studio for writing and taking naps.
10b. Dude Time / Girl Time: Sometimes one of the best things we can do for our marriage is to spend time apart. It blesses me when Tim is able to take a trip with his guys because I know they meet certain needs that I can't. Similarly, Tim understands that spending a weekend with my girls is critical to my overall mental health and well being. Don't get me wrong, you guys know how madly in love I am with Mr. Loerke, but sometimes all a girl needs is an uninterrupted weekend with her besties. Guys are no different.